温度独家 | 谷老师文书写作技巧之以小见大、逻辑关联、承上启下和首尾呼应(二)




①添加小标题(subtitle)或添加项目符号(bullet point)或编号(numbering)

②使用逻辑顺序,时间顺序和主次递进的关联词或过渡词(如because、therefore、consequently、 due to、 despite、next、almost at the same time、finally、on the whole、for example、in addition、equally important、lastly等)



首尾呼应是指文章开头和结尾的内容遥相呼应,这样通常可以起到升华主题的效果。例如,申请者B在他的文书第一段中提到自行车旅行:“At age 18, I finished high school and was ready for the adventure of a lifetime—a bicycle trip from Beijing to Guangdong, a total of 2,400 kilometers (about 1,490 miles), covering eight provinces along the east coast of China.”

这是一个非常吸引人的开头,整篇文章也是围绕自行车旅行而展开的。但令人遗憾的是,文章结尾段的两个句子却采用了公式化的写法,第一句介绍自己的目标是学习计算机信息管理,以便毕业之后在IT行业干一番大事业;第二句大概是想表达“我劝天公(即贵校)重抖擞,不拘一格降人才(即我本人)” 的意思。虽然第一句的写法无可厚非,但比起生动的开头,结尾还是差了一点。第二句的问题更为严重,主要反映在文书的point of view, 文书一般都采用第一人称或第三人称he、she、they、it、that或those这样的叙述方式,而“贵校”是第二人称you、 your school、your “esteemed university”,使得文章突然变成了一封书信。除此之外,这句话纯粹是画蛇添足,毫无意义。我们暂时撇开文书不谈,即便学生在申请过程中需要用电子邮件与校方沟通,也就是说此时需要用到第二人称 ,那我们也要避免称校方为 “esteemed university”。因为英美文化里没有 “贵校”之类的恭维礼数。

因此,我会建议申请者在结尾处再加两句,与开头相呼应:“How about a bicycle tour across continental USA? It is not entirely out of the question.”短短两句自问自答,不仅深化了申请者赴美除了求学之外还要享受运动和生活体验的动机,还使全文的主题更加鲜明,可谓首尾呼应的妙用。



I was fortunate to have grown up in a nurturing environment, where my parents encouraged me to follow my own academic and non-academic preferences. They wanted me to learn and to explore because I was interested, not because it was prescribed by someone else. My mother often tells me that when I was little my frequent words were “let me do it.” I would spend long hours doing projects using my scissors and all types of other tools. I would offer to ignite (点燃) the gas stove when my parents cooked. It was later that I had to ignite and put out a fire of another kind.



My passion for robots dates back to the summer vacation right after I graduated from elementary school. Mom supported me and allowed me to take classes on robot-making. In the beginning, I just needed to learn some basic steps involved in installing several components, by referring to the process chart, so that the robot could move forward and backward. The real challenge came later when I was assigned to conduct a robot simulation (模拟) in which the robot was to put out fire, a candle fire to be exact. The robot had to find the fire source in an enclosed space and use a fan, water or carbon dioxide to put it out. It took me a long time to fit into the limited space of the robot fire-extinguishing parts. External factors such as the low room temperature at the test time were not favorable for firefighting. But I kept on trying until the robot succeeded in identifying and putting out the fire. The first time I participated in a regional robot-fire-extinguishing contest, I only received an honorary mention, because my robot hit the wall several times due to its lack of slip-resistance on the overly smooth contest ground.


这段主要是记述“我”参加地区机器人灭火竞赛的经历,也就是第一段里提到的“ignite and put out a fire of another kind”。

Very soon, I was in high school. My robot teacher called one day to tell me that I could skip the regional qualifying contest and directly enter the national-level competition that year. Although I had not played with robots for about one year, I decided to seize this good opportunity to showcase my abilities. In order to avoid the mistakes I had made previously, I changed my sensor (传感器) for a more sensitive one and modified the platform (操作平台) for fire-extinguishing to a faster speed. After updating all the hardware that I could think of, I learned that in national contests, all participating robots were required to follow specified programming codes. The former process-chart mode could not be applied any longer. This rule change came only less than one month before the contest. I forced myself to memorize the frequently-used codes and formats within a very short time period. Together with my partner, we successfully programmed our robot, named Huo Huo (meaning “Fire, Fire”) and got it working. Huo Huo performed well and helped us win our Number 2 ranking in the national contest. As a result, I also became qualified to enter (使报名参加竞赛) Huo Huo for the 2010 international contest held in Columbus, Ohio.



During the whole process of the contest, I received support and encouragement from my friends, teachers, and my parents through emails and long distance calls. The day before my contest, my parents called and took turns to chat with me. They talked about things in a light-hearted manner, but avoided to mention the big event coming up the next day. I knew they wanted to divert my attention and put my nerves at ease. They were ever so skillful in the way they motivated and encouraged me to go all out and give my very best.


本段来了一个“闪回”,以During the whole process of the contest作为开头,明确提示读者“我”要采用倒叙的方法,回顾一下参赛时发生的事情。

I know wherever I am I can always count on my parents’ support. It is my turn and desire to make them proud.




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